nurse the shoreline like a wound.

now we've missed the 101.



like...alaska, ampere and majorca last night.
best ever? i think so.
okay, so i admit, i've seen like alaska play much better before. but fuck, i haven't seen them play in SEVEN MONTHS. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DAMAGING THIS IS TO ME?
oh my god. i sold my atreyu ticket so that i could see them to play, and the venue got changed to the pub, so i obviously couldn't go. and i CRIED. i am THAT tough.

but anyway, it was awesome, because i got to see them play the right chords. :D
and majorca were so awesome, the girl on vox is amazing, even if she's incredibly crowd shy (even though there was only about 25 - 30 of us there?).
and ampere were amazzzzzzzzzzzzing, they are better live than they are recorded. i love bands like that.

today i was suppose to see cath with both my parents, but dad had to go somewhere to do a job and i had soccer, so it didn't really pan out and fit in, so it had to be canceled.
idk how i feel about it, but whatever. it's been moved to the 10th, so hm.
also my appointment with dr. brash is on wednesday the 4th, holy shit that month went fast. i'm kinda nervous and i think i misplaced the sheet i was suppose to take back with me, shit.
i just looked for it and found it, so it's all good. i put it in a safe placeeee.

i didn't go to tafe today and i'm not going tomorrow, because i don't want to.
i walked out on my earth and enviro exam/assessment yesterday, because we hadn't learnt half the content, so i obviously couldn't answer the questions.
it appears several people who left before me agreed on this.

i hated soccer tonight. bron and i stood up the back raging about the team, it was awesome. also the cute new girl who is cute tells me she doesn't drink. i think she's even cuter now. too bad she has a boyfriend.

i have a crush on kaela again, i think. maybe it was just my mood, idk?
i can't help but feel as though i'm leading her on, which i probably am. fuck.
i am such a jerk.

w
i went crazy and uploaded loads of icons, heh heh heh.

nah, but anyway.
today at work was hectic and hfdskafhksjadf.
we had the 'o factor'. (yeah, my work is crazy) etc etc.
ANYWAY.
so head office were there, matt told me they were coming AFTER he'd made sure i'd say yes to the shift, that jerk. and we had FOUR rushes. not one or two, FOUR. so we got absolutely smashed from like.. 11.30 - 2, it was autofail. though we managed to get 98%, and beat kotara, so it was awesome. plus michael isn't as terrifying as i'd worked him up to be in my head, ahahah.

but yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
plus i am sick, so was like /dies a bit.
BUT WHATEVER, I AM REALLY TUFF.

i have an appointment with dr. brash on june 4th (which means i pretty much only had/have to wait a month, which is awesome given that i am a new patient), i apparently failed to mention this in my last entry, which i believe had something to do with wanting out on life, but hey.
and yeahhh, i also have an appointment with cath with both my parents on the 28th of this month :\. soooooo, we'll see how THAT goes. D:

i decided garrett hill rules.

oh! and i got my watch fixed, at least. i am such a handy man.
i bought an 'incredible hulk' watch so that i could pull it apart and fix my bayside one, because i refused to get a new band on it. /stubborn.
i also got long skins (for you non-sporting folk.. well, i'm not going to explain them, you just autofail) for 87 bux, even tho they are suppose to be 135. TAKE THAT AMART, DEADSHITS.

anyway, i'm actually going now. i have an open in the morning and i have to catch the bus, so i have to get up earlyyyyyy

i want out on life so badly.
not even kidding, hey.

would we still walk hand in hand?


my wrist is feeling better today, so let's hope that it stays that way.
i'm pretty keen to play guitar, because i haven't for a week +.

like alaska tomorrow night.
i'm pretty upset that daiglahia (i cbf checking the spelling) that got sent
home, because they are actually really good, from what i've heard.
oh well though.

i hate tuesdays.
8.30 - 5 at tafe is too fucking long.
it takes pretty much everything in me not to fall asleep by english,
which i usually fail at. sometimes i can hold up til earth and enviro, then i'm gone.

my two ugly jumpers came today, they're amazing.
i also ordered new merch last night that i'm pretty stoked about.
bayside shirt, belt and scarf. brand new and say anything shirt, win win.

idk tho.
i still have to call up about my referral.
i'm still not too impressed about it.
i don't know what to say when i call up either, and i don't want mom to do it for me, even though she offered.
because quite clearly, so cannot fully grasp the situation at hand. i do not have fucking 'gender problems'. fuck.


ragequit.

ALRIGHT, SO.
i have rsi in my left wrist, which sucks so much.
IT REALLY HURTS GUYS, GET OFF YOUR COMPUTERS.
no but really, i'm pretty sure it's from guitar, i'm being sent for scans though.

ANYWAY. i got a referral to see doctor brash yesterday, so i'm pretty excited.
i'm going to call up on monday and see if i can make an appointment/check out the waiting list. andddd it was super awkward, because my doctor has been my doctor ever since i can remember. like, ever since i were really little. not to mention he's basically FRIENDS with my parents, he's been to my house a few times.
whatever tho.
i don't think he was.. ready to hear that, ahahahha.
my awesome referral states that i have 'gender problems'.
like.. that's all it says, lololol.
that'll help me out a lot, i bet. whatever though.
if it's no good, i'll find a better doctor and get a proper one.

idk, i can't think of what to write.
we're having my aunties 50th birthday party at my house atm.
i can hear terrible, terrible singing. it's my mother, ahhahahaha.

i feel so lonely.
:\
i don't even know why.
but i honestly just feel really, really lonely.

i really just wish i could find someone who understands the way i feel, think and see things.
i want to meet someone who sees me as brian, not 'oh but he use to be brianna'.

i don't even want to leave my room.

i'm so fucking sick of everyone.
i am sick of the fact that i have really shitty friends.
friends that i make time for in my apparently 'ever so busy' life, so that we can hang out.
yet, they are always at parties or fuck me over when we make plans.
and complain that i never make time for them.
WELL MAYBE IF YOU MADE TIME FOR ME, YOU'D REALISE THAT I'VE BEEN MAKING TIME FOR YOU.
FUCK.
seriously, i fucking hate everyone. i am sick of this stupid fucking town.
i am sick of shit humans, shit 'FRIENDS'.
so much for friends. fuck fuck fuck. /rage.


i honestly don't even care anymore.
about anything.
i really just do not give two shits.

THIS HAS BEEN BUGGING ME FOR AGES.
midly. but tonight it is bugging me a lot.

I DON'T KNOW WHETHER I LIKE BRIAN OR KAIDEN BETTER.

some people know me as kaiden, some know me as brian.
most know me as brian due to the fact that it's so close to my birth name,
and also because of a a joke that we had a work.

some people know me as kaiden and/or khai, because i chose it because i liked it.
i like it because it's different and far from my birth name.

but i don't know which one i like better.
):

some people like brian and hate kaiden, and some are the opposite.
of course there is then those who call me neither, who i want to cut.
but whatever.

SOMEONE SHOULD HELP ME.

having one as my first name and one as my middle name would be logical, but i don't know if i like the way they sound together.
FUCK I AM FUSSY.

mergh.
i am bored and earlier jared told me that he loved me.
he always spills his guts when he's been drinking.
not that i didn't already knew that he loved me, but hm.
idk, it was kinda cute.
sucks that i have some major crush on him. whoops.
sorry taylor.

tonight at work was exhausting and stressful.
not so much stressful, but natalie was there, and even though
i don't really have anything to worry about, her position makes
me nervous and edgy around her, despite the fact that she's the
nicest thing ever, and cute as a button. commas ahoy.

i really need to learn how to deal with people and things in general
a lot better than i am, hahaha. i can't stay in my room forever.
i mean, sometimes i'm okay and i'll want to go out and do things.
but even then, i get nervous and panic. i don't like being around people
that i dont't know, so strangers in general. i get anxious because i don't
know what they think of me or how i'm being perceived and i hate it.
i have not having reassurance.

i was suppose to see cath on tuesday, but she's changed me to the week after,
which is kinda lame, actually. she had an appointment with my parents on monday,
which i'm curious to know about. i want to know how my dad coped with it and what
progress (if any?) was made. mom is dealing with it fairly well, i guess. it could be
better, but it's better than ignorance or her rejecting the situation. oh well.

i'm sick to my stomach.

I HAVEN'T POSTED IN AGES.
primarily because i'm sick of my computer and vista in general.
i hate vista. i really, really hate vista.

i noticed i haven't written since i went to see
jared in wollongong. hm.
let's just say it was.. weird, i guess.
yeahhhh, weird and just idk, WEIRD. so WEIRD.
but whatever.

also i have new shoes. all i care about is shoes.
i really love shoes. and bayside.
i also have new binders coming in the mail, excitingly.

i am a cunt and i am dogging (hopefully) atreyu to see like alaska play.
whoops.
OH WELL. care.

my hair is growing back and it's kinda annoying.
i wish it'd get past that sicko stage where it's short, but long in shaved head standards. annoying as.
i'm pretty excited for when it grows back though, hey. i wouldn't mind having some hair again. you know, to perhaps keep my head a little warmer in these EVER SO BELOVED AND WELL AWAITED FOR COLD MONTHS (L). ILU WINTER.

shit. i had something to actually write about then, but then i got excited about something and i was typing a lot to taylor and got side tracked and now i've forgotten, oh shit, oh shit. oh well.

fuck i love bayside. so much. oh my god.
i also love matt! hello four days of hanging out last week. we're pretty awesome.
the show sucked so so so so bad. show bags sucked, which was pretty upsetting. gelatine ahoy? i think so. and the flairy floss wasn't even worth it?!?!?! which was definitely the most upsetting part. sigh.

OH. i went paintballing the day before yesterday. fun ahoy!
it really does hurt as much as they say it does. but it's only for a few seconds, then it sorta just stops. then you get to marvel at your wounds in the morning.. and few the next however long.
it's fun though, pretty keen to go again.

i'm awesome at rambling.

oh also, for my any of my friends that might actually read this who i see irl, which i don't actually think is any of you.
i should probably apologise for the fact that i never see anyone anymore.
and for the fact that i avoid you all, ahahaha. whoops.
turns out i don't really like to leave the house anymore.
apparently i can't handle not passing and being called a she and having to talk to people. whoops.
so uh, sorry for being shit at life.
i'll try harder when i can be bothered.
i am a really good friend.

i'm pretty much dying, hey.
my lungs have it in for me, jerks.
but it's okay. it's probably karmic payback, seeing as i'm not too considerate of them.
OH WELL.

i have tafe at oneeeee, and tomorrow i am possibly going to go laybuy that coat i want. :3
then but some money on my bopo card and get that nintendo hat! and new binders!
yey yey yey.
hello to buying whatever the fuck i want online.

(hello lidia, i wonder if you're reading this)

the new dallas album is pretty awesome, i like ittt.
i need to shower soon, but i can't be bothered/in the middle of two convos.
shit i'm lame.

i'm going to jareds on the weekend. :D :D :D :D
pretty excited, hey.
hello timezone!

i wish i had bigger handssssss.
i cannot help but pick at all my imperfections.
urgh. fail.

i don't really know what i'm doing anymore.
(there's a really small and cute bug crawling on my wall)

i'm sort of just floating along, trying to ignore the things
that i wish weren't apparent in my life, and embracing every
little thing that i can feed off.

i've realised recently how much some people really mean to me.
it's funny what it takes to make you see the importance of someone's
existence in your life, but it makes you pretty grateful in the end.
i also can't help but notice how attached i become to people.
odd, seeing as i usually distance myself from anyone who even tries to
ghet close to me, but i guess that because they attempt to do so in a
romantic sense.
i become attached to friendship. i love nothing more than the comfort
and security of a healthy, stable friendship. i like it when you really
click with someone, and you can basically confide almost anything in them
when you're really only known them for a few short months. yet, you can
be 'friends' with someone for years and years, and barely trust them at all.
it's situations like this that make you appreciate human inahibitions, i guess.
in the respect of who you approach and how you go about doing so.

i'm still some what frenzied with the jared situation.
i mean, it's amazing. the person that i've been looking for all along, has
been right there in front of me for the past four years, and it's only
now that i realise it. and the fact that i was lied to, doesn't even matter?
i have too many mixed feelings towards it all right now to justfy exactly
how i feel about it all. but, as far as i can tell, i'm pretty thankful that
he did lie. because i'm fairly certain that if he hadn't, we wouldn't be where
we are today, and i probably wouldn't be the same person. we both agree on this.









i'm tired and my head hurts. this is some sort of weird pseudo-intellectual entry,
one of those fucked up ones i write when i'm too tired to think properly.

you're a fucking jerk jess.
way to basically lose the majority of the respect i had for you.
i choose him over you any day, and i know that he would never do that do you,
especially in the way that you did. i probably won't ever look at you the same again,
and it's likely that i won't forgive you/like you as much again. i hope he finds out
soon and i hope he does the right thing.
honestly, you don't deserve him, and he certainly deserves much better than you.

my life just changed.
i just found out jared is trans.
jared.. like, my jared. the one i have known for four years.
the one i dated.
the one who is basically like my twin, not to mention
use to get mistaken for my twin.

i have been suss on him since december 21st 2006.
like.. you have no idea how fucking big this is for me.
i am so fucking happy and excited and elated, but it's so weird
at the same time.
i was right.
a part of me wanted it to be true, but part of me didn't.
he's also only my age.
this is so fucking weird, honestly.
i am trippy out.

whoah.

why am i so autofail? D:
serioussssssly, i fail so chronically. and it sucks.
awesome at completely going downhill again, after being so posi. for ages.
but, obviously, everything that goes up must come down. fuck you.

awesome at starting to wear jumpers again, regardless of the weather.
awesome at not leaving the house anymore and avoiding social outtings.
awesome at hanging off peoples words and being incredibly fucking anxious and paranoid all the time.
aweome at being a rude cunt and not talking or answering people when in public, because of the fact that i sound like a 12 year old girl.
awesome at fucking up relationships because i have too many of my own problems and shit going on to be able to maintain a stable relationship.
awesome at being unstable in general.
awesome at i'm sick of people being ignorant fucks.

-_______________-

asjfkhsdjfhsdhfjksdhfjksdhjkfhskjhfjgsdhfg.

i just want someone to hug me.
and i hate hugs.

i hate the fact that i know people are watching their words when talking around, about or to me. well, those who actually give a fuck to even try, that is.
i appreciate their trying, really, i do. more than most of them would know, actually.
but honestly, i hate the fact that all these people that claim that i mean so much to them can't even find it in them to put in the slightest bit of effort. i fucking hate it.
i hate that people only give me pronouns/name when they are talking to me because they know that's what i want to hear. no, that doesn't make me happy, it makes me pissed off because i know it's fake. i don't want it to be an effor for people to give me pronouns and name. yeah, it's going to be at first, but it's dsjkgfsdjkhgdfsdfgdfghjdfk. i don't know.
/rageragerage.
i'm too tired and distracted and thinking about too many things to be able to get what i want to say out properly without it coming out as some fucked up blurb.

soundwave is on sunday, that's all i really care about at the moment.
i just want to see alexis and go home, the end. i can't remember where dean lives, fuck.

i'm going to go watch scrubs, seeing as that's pretty much all i do these days anyway.

tafe started this week.
it's been okay D:, sorta.
i'm pretty sure the people in my class think i'm a girl.
/fail.
why the fuck can't i have an androgynous name. -____-

/hate hate.

i feel sick and my head/stomach hurt.
pretty stoked on the fact that i don't go to tafe on fridays.
also i get a shift next thursday after i finish tafe, yay.
i love work.
/sicko.

it would have been awesome if i'd have been able to do the open
that matt wants me to do on monday, buttttttttttt i have two classed that
morning and don't finish until 12.30, which is a bit lame.

oh by the way, i didn't go to minus the bear.
i dunno if i posted about not going and i can't be bothered to check if i did.
long story cut short.
turns out ticketek are jerks and close at 12.30 on saturdays. so, naturally, i missed out on getting tickets.
then liam told me i could buy them up there, which was after i'd told work that i could still work. ugh.

i feel weird not working tonight, i can't remember the last time i didn't work on a friday night, seriously. brad swapped me because it's his birthday tomorrow, little cutie. so idk what i'm going to do tonight, i sorta want to go out or go to the movies, hrm. i guess i should probably see my girlfriend at some stage, seeing as i don't really see her much now that i am at tafe and she's at school.

fuck yes.
i am going to minus the bear tonight.
i dogged work to do so, but that's okay.
ash just called me and asked if i wanted to work tomorrow.
i said yes.
my weekend is so fucked up.

i can't get a hold of mom or dad, because they musn't have reception.
and i'm suppose to register for soccer tomorrow, but they didn't leave me
any money to do so?
and it's like, 180 dollars.
where the fuck do i just get 180 dollars from.
i mean, i HAVE it at the moment, but that doesn't mean i will tomorrow.
and there is more important things to spend money on today/tonight
that registering for soccer tomorrow.

we're catching the train at 4.30, with tynan :\.
it'll be the longest i've spent with him, how awkward.
he's nice, but he's creepy as fuck.
and i won't be impressed if he tries something on jess.
then we're getting a lift home with liam, and i'm sleeping at liams.
then i'll probably fuck around by myself, maybe try see freia, go
up to the soccer club and see if i can register, then i'll wander
into town and go to work at some stage.
i love how i leave my shoes there, cause i'll have to take work stuff with me tonight.

oh god. stressful.

also, spat in some cunt that i hates drink last night.
ahahaahhaahhahaha oh man, it was so great.
then we argued and the best thing he came up with was
'shut up stupid'
mature, obviously.
by the way, he's 17 and his girlfriend just turned 14.
that's almost fucking pre-teen man, that shit is not on.
it sickens me.

new avenged sevenfold isn't what i'd consider amazing, to be perfectly honest.
critical acclaim is fucking catchy though, rev is awesome on vox.

tafe starts on monday, i am a little bit terrified.
i won't know anyone, and it's big.
and i'll get lost.
and i don't want a student card that says 'miss'.

oh, i got my L's by the way.
i was pleased to see that it doesn't have a gender on it?
my photo is fucking hiliarious though, ahahahah.
because it was absolutely pissing down rain, and we had to get off
the bus because we accidently got on the 225 instead of the 226, ahahahaha.
my bad.
and we ran from union street to the rta and we were saturated by the time we got there.
then i tried to dry my hair and it ended up just being a huge big poof, so now i have a
huge poof of hair in my licence photo.
OH WELL.

i'm waiting to leave.
my ferry isn't until 3.
then yeah, i have to go get the tix.
i'll cry if it's shut.
actually, i'll probably just go to work.
HAHAHAHAH.
they'd be like 'what the fuck?'

ALSO SOUNDWAVE IS SO FUCKING SOON, OH MY GOD.
/squeals.
i can't wait.
alexis alexis alexis alexis alexis.
haste the day! sugarcult!
and i get to see jared and taylor and bretty.
it'll be super cute.

but anyway, i'm going.




















minus the bear.










































minus the bear.

i can't remember the last time i wrote here, and i'm too lazy to check.
i know it's been a week or two, because i don't know that i have written since spencer and i hung out.

but yes, it's true! spencer and i have now offically hung out, because we are amazing. he set up my deck for me, because he is a good dude. then we skated a tiny bit (well, i sorta did, little bit of a failed attempt). this is where i should insert the fact that on friday i stacked it and grazed my leg and was pretty certain i'd broken my wrist. though it isn't broken, it still hurts like a bitch/i can't use it properly. but hey, oh well.

i have worked five nights this week, i'm pretty excited for pay day next week, to be truthful. also my myspace mysteriously got deleted? idk, but it's gay and lame and annoying.

i want to go to minus the bear, but liam is a wanker. his girlfriend wants 'just him and his girlfriend to go down on the train and chill in sydney'. he tells me this AFTER i decided i'd go after he nagged me to go with them, tosspot. idk, i hate everyone.

but yeahh, i don't start tafe for another week, so i'm going to be bored shitless all week while everyone else is at school. yay.
matt said he'll dry get me some day shifts throughout the week, so hopefully i get one or two and that i can swap my saturday shift so that i can either go to minus the bear or judged by you.

oh yeah, went to neon also. WEIRDDDEST EVER. well, not really, just really one lady that i didn't fancy a great deal, hey. cept there was two that made me lol and then the other two just didn't talk much at all. and spencer and i were kinda left out, but oh well.
cath suggested that mom, dad and i all go in and talk. and i was like. 'AHAHAH LOL, NO. I DON'T THINK SO.'


yeah, got nothing to talk about really.

oh, besides my rusty cut, i'm probably going to get infected and become septic and die.
but it's okay.

i hate feeling like this.

okay, i am so fucking annoyed.

these american cunts that claim they are going to come over here to australia to pickett at heath ledgers funeral are fucking ridiculous. who the FUCK does that, honestly. i have never heard of anything more disrespectful in my fucking life. also, not to mention, heath ledger isn't even gay. he played a gay part in a movie, a fucking great movie at that, and won numerous awards for it. and these jerks want to come whinge their petty homophobic bullshit?

this is why i fucking hate christians.
these fascist christian cunts who make out that everyone that doesn't believe in what they do, this higher, apparent almight being, are second class citizens of society, can get fucked. don't bring your shit to my fucking country, because i swear to god i'll stab every one of you through the fucking chest with a pride coloured stake, you can all suck my gender fucked, queer dick.

i fucking dare you to come.